I wrote a poem the other day and I thought I would share it to this blog that I’ve decided to start up. There’s been so many things I want to achieve or at least try, and I thought lockdown would be a good chance to do those things. One of these things is writing, I have a genuine passion for it and I don’t do it enough. I think falling into destructive thought patterns over the years and feeling inadequate, dwelling on imagined fears, and being unable to break out of dissociative cycles are a big part of this. When I lay it out this way, it puts the reality of my situation into perspective and I realise I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Right now I’m feeling a lot of frustration in the sense that I don’t feel like I’m where I should be in life despite there being a pandemic, and not feeling fulfilled in my personal relationships. I definitely have a strong set of friends who I know love me, but I’m lacking those relationships where I can really go deeper into mine, and other peoples psyches and theories and dig deep intellectually. I am a self proclaimed introvert but sometimes I wonder if I would still stand by that if the people around me wanted to talk about things like colonising Mars, and imagining Venus in the same way that I do. I also just miss physical intimacy, or at the very least being around people that stimulate me and make me feel alive. Perhaps I need a lot of depth, mentally, emotionally, and physically from people to feel truly content. But then again I am aware that I crave typically unusual interactions, so as a form of safety I cut connections off early to prevent further feelings of alienation. Sometimes I feel as though people are not vocal enough about even the silly things that make them happy or the unbelievable truths that they have discovered, that they OMG ‘can’t believe’. People seem to be stuck in a perpetual episode of monotony where they’re existing just so they can avoid the next uncomfortable question.
I crave exploring every crevice and corner of the spectrum, and I want to get to the lowest part of those murky waters just as much as I desire to consume the freshwater lake. This pandemic has shrouded our sense of peace and filled us with debilitating chaos, and it is almost as though these feelings have crystallised the already dense negativity built up inside of ourselves even further. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many things I am grateful for such as my family and the roof over my head, but if we can’t be honest about our feelings no matter how shameful someone might want to have you believe they are, then we truly have nothing. Life is about reflection and expansion of the mind, body, and soul through helping others. But we have to remember that to assist others we must also first learn to love ourselves. Self love is the key to breaking out of this toxic paradigm that modern society wants you to buy into, the one of working for corporations rather than for people, and waking to exist rather than waking to live to name a few examples. The restrictions of the 3D realm and our physical bodies are frustrating enough, but this pandemic is a painful and life altering tumour refusing to die.